screaming silently!!

today i am feeling totally lost have thought a lot but nothing comes oout except my feeling of screaming Sometimes I SCREAM but silently!!!! Well, I'm not referring to any of the song you migh have heard but just trying to explain what I feel.... I feel like screaming silently. its like few weeks that i am not that busy and have to be at home surfing the net and triyng to write down but it is not happening....I want to scream... but do it silently!
Here, these days in the world there are no 'kya haal hain' but 'Hellos', no 'friends and buddies' but 'colleagues', no 'bakwass' but 'pretentious intellectual talks', no 'hanging out' but 'meetings', no 'vellegiri' just 'sophistication and performance'...no "sunbstantive action but ideal discussion' Te list goes on and on and on..... I want to scream... but do it silently!.
Its not like I'm not liking my life. thereare hundered of things i love i love the freedom of movement LITERALLY i am enjoying, i like thinking what i feel like and not forcing my self to think upon something specific and to come out with a time bound solutions, feel great to call anyone any time,, its great to throw party when people enjoy and ask about the occasion and i enjoy saying no occasion, but even after that... I want to scream... but do it silently!
Friends are getting busy, weekend just fly away, 'more important' stuff comes by. Rukhsaar does not turn up to help in house hold work, we have to do the cooking the cleaning and still have to stay in s dirty...all the time messed up home... the TV is there but nothing interesting turns up... when ever the nice films are there they are already half gone and then the electicty is gone... i hate the pain in my shoulders... I want to scream... but do it silently!
I write and it gets deleted before sending, i take a mental note and it soon disappears, i remeber only thing that there was something to be done! i feel like going for the walk in the morning and its already 9. The moment i think of someone, one of my heartbeat skips.... i lie in the corner of my bed with the pillow over my head and feel a tear rolling down on my cheek.....then i scream but still silently.......ughhhhhhhghghghghhhghghghghghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

NIGHAT AUNTI

I Once Knew a Women nighat called her aunty....Sweet and Kind and silent listener too.. She was a home Manager nice and Sweet. She was special in her own way. One day she got dead in August 2008, but she had won the battle as she had fought.... I was very sad she had gone, but she had to do what he (GOD) had done ... It was all over the news through phone calls the next day, everyone in my family just wasn't the same way as whole family was very sad. Because she was Dead She devoted her life looking after her family (off course making others happy all the way )and for this she deserves more than a million hugs ...She always understood more than what she reflected . I liked her with all my heart. I knew she was a Gentlewoman from the Start.

i still feel it not real... and wish it wasn't this way...

i pray to Allah to give her all dues as i belive a lot she diserved then what she got in this world.

my prayers for you would go on..

though for sure there are other doing the same!

your silence

i am afraid of your silence b'coz of what it could mean, perhaps it means you are being boared or losing interest or making up our own mind without my guidance. i belive that as long as i keep you talking i can know what you are thinking.....

but silence can mean live and let live; the appreciation that i am i and you are you.. this silence is in affirmation that we are already togather.... as two people. Words can mean that i want to make you into a frind and silence can mean that i accept you already being one!

.........very rightly said by Hugh Prather.......

where is "I"

there is nothing....

actually and really nothing..

in my hands..

and when say my hands even their grasping power is beyond me

i am what i am made to be..

i am not my body

i am not my "heart" or 'Mind'

i know what i am not

but do not know what i am.

i am happy though that i am what i am but still unaware what i am

What ever happens, is there any role for me..

or even if i am doing it am I actually

or being just made to

how come i am here.

and the other person there

why its so..

why i am doing what i am doing

to what extent i am able to..

even if i am typing all this am i conscious of what my fingers doing or they just automatically running if yes..

then what is playing behind..

what is controlled and and to what extent..

the more i try to be powerful

the more i realize how tiny i am

nothing... actually

what would have happened had i not been what i am ...

and further is it in my control to be, not to be, what i am.

its is so helpless feeling but soothing too

that you are being assisted all the time.

its not that i am in MY CREATORS control.

but it is that i am important enough to be helped and not left alone to do whatever.

PEACE!!

These days small things stress me so much and i am not even able to share it with others .... though i was never good at this job... but to be honest i am unable to have a sound sleep for last one week i am just pushing myself and dragging myslf... hoe it goes no further... it cant... i never thought life would bring so many issues for me.. i am looking forward for a simple easy and hassel free life... do no need much money or luxury... just need peace and lots of mental stimulation .... where is that please???

may be i need to look for good part of life as well...

kuch aur....

"Ya rab na woh samhje hain na samjhenge meri baat,
de aur dil unko jo na de mujhko zubaan aur"
Galib ke kuch shair kaash.... keh paate jo kuch mere dil mai hai
Ye aandhi kahan se aai,... kahan jaige aur le jaiegi
Har lafz nashtar sa lagta hai,.... Har baat pe ek qatra jalta hai
Yeh khoon kahan se laoon,.... jo aansoon main na badal saken,
Youn to baat kuch bhi nahi,... Sirf ek zindagi ka sawal hai
Yoon hi kitne din kate kuch bhi to hisaab nahi,
kiya kiya kab kab hua kuch bhi to yaad nahi
Ye waqt agar faani hai to yaaden kyoun reh jaati hai,
Inka koi kaam nahi to itna dil kyou dukhati hain.
jo hota zara bhi zor khud pe itna kuch na hone dete
Hum khush rehta, khud ko itna to na rone dete.
Kitna bekas insaan hai........... Yeh kashmakash kyon itni hai,
Ae raat mujh ko samet le.... Kabhi kisi ko pata na chale.

blood of Raees

yesterday at around 7:30 rukhsar hurriedly came to inform us that she would be coming late.. she then shared what all happened with her brother and his friend last night. Both of them were on cycle and a truck coming from behind hit them and then suddenly from no where police men appeared and took both of them to Safdar Jung Hospital (till that time she didn't know which hospital) and there after doing all sorts of reporting in various forms and lots of question they asked if raees (Rukhsar brother) was litrate. He is not, on this they sort of ordered that because you are not litrate you have to give two bottels of Blood, and scared by this statement and with financial help from the truck driver raees on pretext of getting medicines for his friend came to his home and kept cring for a while her mother immediately took him back to hospital to sort out the matter fully and finaly. She left home at 2 in noon and wasn't back till 11 in the night, she had a sleepless night a day before as she had no news and whereabouts of his son. was crying all the night......
difficult is life for all but is doubly dificult for poor... had there been a rich guy they would have asked for BLOOD ya allah.. haring this i get goosebumbs! but its reality for them and they think these things keep happening and in fact these things keep happpining with them... law is a far off thing we excpect them to follow but a inherent human consciousness has even disappeared from the souls... the stories i get to hear from SNS and in CASP may be rare stories or just stories for lots of people but when i see that they are going through that reality i find myself so tiny.... but somewhere in my heart I feel that my little effort is soooo much for them ... and they think is too much..... its a job to go and listen to them an direct them what to do next and their life depends on it..
the ladies yesterday rajni and rekha with all the marks on her back of beating and her tears silently rolling down from her eyes without any words.. explained well in what state she is in... hope and pray that my efforts ore of some ... some use to them.....
world is full of such people...
on the other hand there are people like a**** who havenot heard of such things and know only film stories!

my search....

that day, when i had many things in mind,when every thing seemed to be top on the list,when it looked that life would be useless if i don't do this,and the THIS was this this this & this,I was in dilemma and confusion,both took me over and left me alone,I knew there must be a way out,but wasn't sure what to do and how,then there came someone not so close,who discussed things which seemed trivial and drivel,she spoke and I heard, without registering them,as I was busy in my own thoughts,she left and I was alone as before,for me she never was close,
I realized that my list was so long becoz…
From all I expected love, understanding and attention,
I let go one chance, with her, as she was gone

being submissive!

Decided to go and meet Pawan Ji, was in Mussoorie for four days.. it was a good trip to sum up except that I was spending more of my valuable time and getting less valuable things.. I totally agree with what he says about submissive and dominant people... In any relationship there can never be a vacuum... if there is, there would not be any relationship.. If I am unable to put my views (reasons may be that I am not clear what I think, I do not know what I think, or I feel that my thoughts are not that important as of the other person), the other person will. And then we start calling that person dominating... And then to hide our lack of clarity say that the other one dominates! Only those who are submissive complaint… the one who is clear what he/she wants in life does that!

book fare!!!!

yahoooooo........... i am going to book fare today.. looking forward to lots of new books and nice smell that comes out from them... will post again about what i get from there!!

pleasure of being common

i do strive and strive but it is really tough to be just belive inside and be common but after all it is the truth that we all are commmon .... we consider us special each of us to be special .... in fact none of us is.. we want to be cared... we want to be loved.... we want to be warmly and specially welcomed.... we want to complimented.... we want to treated differently..... why it is hard to understand that we are part of crowd... just a part of the crowd not more then that.... we are what we are... not what other do to us... for others we are just a part of the crowd.... i feel the immense pleaseure in letting others know that they are the one who is special that they are not common like me that they are to be loved cared and welcomed and complimented upon.. becuse they are special for me ... they really are...i like loving others and letting them know that i love them ... may be some day some those who are as common as me would be able to share and understand the pleasure i am having.... realizing the truth that i am a common girl.

and I also remember reading... GOD loves common ppl that's why he made so many of them!!!

feeling lazy...

today i am feeling so lazy that even do not want to write anyhting....was at home the entire day... you know how it works when you are alone... all thoughts you have been trying to escape stand in front of you.. thankfully i am lucky.. i was able to takle one after other.. gave suficient time to each confusion of mind.. mind and heart.. why both are against each other! may be thats the way we stay balanced!
I thought about important things like relationships... people attitude... world around...and about men also.... and also about petty things like my dry hair!
its so rejuvenating and lot of feeling of content once you know that things are going the way they ought to... and just be sure that you are putting your best and that's all you can do and make sure that you do not end up dong any thing less that what you can!!
I am serious.. i am seriously and deeply happy!

being back in collage

its a great feeling........ i am really looking forward for the year to come.. i would attending calsses again.. would be have time getting influenced... more of listening... more of learning... it make me feel that i am still young.. though its not that I otherwise don't feel it this way... but such things just reinorces my thoughts...
it's a very small thing.. but actually these are the joys of life... isn't it!
i wish my self a good luck for the course! Diploma in child rights.

That day we had a interesting walk..starting from the basant priya cenema hall…. I was really looking forward to be inside the centrel ridge… so many people turned up……unbelieveable.!
While entering the gate I felt as if going to nature the more we got into the ridge I felt that we were actually intruding into the nature…. We as human being ………… why are we doing it… if the government is doing it from where it is getting the authority !… more important is why they are doing it WHY?? Certainly it is the short term benefits the are getting from it… The army gets the space to do exercise and makes a permanent and pakka structure... who were the people involved... how ..on what basis supreme court alows.. PUBLIC BENEFIT!..

The metro is for us... the parks would be for us... the HCBS would be for us...becoz we can ask for our facilities.... we can DEMAND... nature silently bears with us... we all would be.. in fact are... paying the returns... facing this chill... I think of the rikshaw puller.. the child on the street, constantly cleaning his nose with his sleeves... I can shut every thing..! its not my responsbility!... but the truth is that we all are guilty.... even me! I can do what i can... ! to have my share of peace!

ajnabi raste....

on november 23 nov 2002
yeh ajnabi raste; jaane le jayenge kahan... manzilen hain jahan ... ya jahan se chalta hai karwaan... khud hi chal pade the .. khud hi nahi jante... in raston ko jo hume hain pehchante itni besabri hai pahunchne ki .. jab ki kuch nahi andaaza.. apne raste ke rukh ka kya karen isliys.. kuch bhi kar lete hainnn

lamhe

wrote this almost two year back when ammi was leaving delhi a fter a short visit to us.!! it was a painful departure generally its not!!

Kuch aur din
Aur kuch aur raten…
Kya hai is lamhe me
Jab ehsas nahi salon ka
To kya hai in lamho me
Phir bhi
Phir Guzar kyon nahi jate
kuch lamhe sirf kuch hi lamho mai
baras to guzarte hai
par yeh lamhe kyon rehate hain saath
hamesha saath
jaise ki har lmahe pe
haawi hon who kuch lamhe
guzar kyon nahi jate
kuch lam,he sirf kuch lamho mai
wohi ehsaas liye sath chalet hai
chupchap pichey wali sawri se
who lamhe kisi bhi lamhe
chilla sakte hai apne wajood ka ehsaas dilano ko
par mere satth to saath hi rahte hai
tajjub se mujhe dekte
jab me badalti hoon zara bhi
phir guzar kyon nahi jate
kuch lamhe sirf kuch hi lamho mai.