I will miss Shakuntalam.... i theater where we(Apa and I) watched many movies.... there are so many i watched alone, i watched Mughle Azam Tango Charlie, Dhoom, Casanova, Company-D, and sooooo many...
Just got to know that Shakuntalam will be re-opening soon... soooo happy... would come to you for sure to prove my love for you!!!!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
... ....
Space..
is it, NOT talking too much or
is it talking as much as you want but yet not interfering
is space means "I do not care" or
it means "I respect you and your mind"
is giving space means indirectly asking for the same
or it means "I am intelligent enough and you too"
it is a sign of a good relationship or
a sign of getting out of one.
is being silent means giving the space or
being absent from the situation means you are free now
MAY BE
giving space and seeking one
is good when you feel like doing it
and do it happily
but sad, when you plan, because you find it the only way
to maintain the status-quo
and its clear that not having a bad relationship is more important
then having a good one
and creating a distance is preferred rather then gelling together
because it created a friction rather then a music
space is something you plan and do it
do it sadly but still do it
I am creating SPACE as I have more important relationships to stay happily and make my life then making this relationship (S-B) look like jingling of musical bells!!
is it, NOT talking too much or
is it talking as much as you want but yet not interfering
is space means "I do not care" or
it means "I respect you and your mind"
is giving space means indirectly asking for the same
or it means "I am intelligent enough and you too"
it is a sign of a good relationship or
a sign of getting out of one.
is being silent means giving the space or
being absent from the situation means you are free now
MAY BE
giving space and seeking one
is good when you feel like doing it
and do it happily
but sad, when you plan, because you find it the only way
to maintain the status-quo
and its clear that not having a bad relationship is more important
then having a good one
and creating a distance is preferred rather then gelling together
because it created a friction rather then a music
space is something you plan and do it
do it sadly but still do it
I am creating SPACE as I have more important relationships to stay happily and make my life then making this relationship (S-B) look like jingling of musical bells!!
Saturday, December 10, 2011
I miss....
Yes I miss!
I miss the aimless walks
on the roads to nowhere
I miss the leisurely steps
I took walking alone
I miss those days
when there was not a single thought
that I am responsible for all around,
I miss those days when I knew
that no one is there waiting for me
I miss those sudden exciting plans,
I miss thinking about myself,
I miss sitting and stopping anywhere
anywhere i wanted to
I miss the days when i spent hours
shopping for a hair-clip
I feel like "ek ladki dhoop mai baiti akeli ro rahi thee uska sathi koi nahi thaa"
I miss being with my sisters a lot.
I miss you all so much
you were my best friends
I miss fighting with you
and now...
Now i am all alone
fighting.... with my self...
i
I miss the aimless walks
on the roads to nowhere
I miss the leisurely steps
I took walking alone
I miss those days
when there was not a single thought
that I am responsible for all around,
I miss those days when I knew
that no one is there waiting for me
I miss those sudden exciting plans,
I miss thinking about myself,
I miss sitting and stopping anywhere
anywhere i wanted to
I miss the days when i spent hours
shopping for a hair-clip
I feel like "ek ladki dhoop mai baiti akeli ro rahi thee uska sathi koi nahi thaa"
I miss being with my sisters a lot.
I miss you all so much
you were my best friends
I miss fighting with you
and now...
Now i am all alone
fighting.... with my self...
i
Thursday, December 8, 2011
FOUND AND KEPT AND LOST
the lady who serves tea to all came to me last monday and showing me a small golden chain asked me what i think about it, i saw it and said "beautiful" thinking she might have invested money in it and now is expecting appreciation and besides that it was beautiful and nazuk and finely made..
She asked me furthur if it looks like gold, and it looked so much like gold that i said yes very much and if its artificial it must have been expensive...
She smiled and handed over a heavy pouch in my hand saying she found all this lying on the road near a car which was parked near a house where there was a shaadi ceremony going on!
WHAT! it should be returned immediately, think of what the real owner might be going through... it should be returned, its not that difficult to find the real owner, she should not be doing this, this is wrong and a theft if seen with a perspective of law!
she told me that its almost three days and she is waiting that someone should approach, but no one has so now she considers that all the stuff belongs to her only!!!
how can she do this??? i always thought that she is a lady with clear conscience!! she said she would be going to a jeweller to get it checked.
she went told jeweller that the jeweller belongs to her daughter but now she wants to have made other ornaments out of it and get it. Though she herself was not sure of they were original or artificial none of us were as it was so much and huge..
in the evening she came with a receipt which mentioned what all she would get in lieu of it...
we all are concerned for her, hope she is not caught by the police, and may her conscience stay OK.
i met her yesterday again.. she is saad very saad! saying since the day she got the gold she has LOST her happiness, she feels disturbed and unhappy all the time... don't know what to do.
NEITHER WE DO!!!
She asked me furthur if it looks like gold, and it looked so much like gold that i said yes very much and if its artificial it must have been expensive...
She smiled and handed over a heavy pouch in my hand saying she found all this lying on the road near a car which was parked near a house where there was a shaadi ceremony going on!
WHAT! it should be returned immediately, think of what the real owner might be going through... it should be returned, its not that difficult to find the real owner, she should not be doing this, this is wrong and a theft if seen with a perspective of law!
she told me that its almost three days and she is waiting that someone should approach, but no one has so now she considers that all the stuff belongs to her only!!!
how can she do this??? i always thought that she is a lady with clear conscience!! she said she would be going to a jeweller to get it checked.
she went told jeweller that the jeweller belongs to her daughter but now she wants to have made other ornaments out of it and get it. Though she herself was not sure of they were original or artificial none of us were as it was so much and huge..
in the evening she came with a receipt which mentioned what all she would get in lieu of it...
we all are concerned for her, hope she is not caught by the police, and may her conscience stay OK.
i met her yesterday again.. she is saad very saad! saying since the day she got the gold she has LOST her happiness, she feels disturbed and unhappy all the time... don't know what to do.
NEITHER WE DO!!!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
speed!!!
SPEED THRILLS BUT KILLS!
saw the F1 car race (on TV) and could not understand what was the excitement in this ghrrrrrrrrrrr ghrrrrrrrrrrrr i could not understand!!!
all here enjoyed so i also sat-by and cheered and clapped and stared on the screen!!!!
but now its done and over.
saw the F1 car race (on TV) and could not understand what was the excitement in this ghrrrrrrrrrrr ghrrrrrrrrrrrr i could not understand!!!
all here enjoyed so i also sat-by and cheered and clapped and stared on the screen!!!!
but now its done and over.
Friday, August 12, 2011
prayers for death.
For the first time in my life i prayed for some one's death. and that some one was my aunt! my real aunt who stitched many many dresses for me... who taught me how to make mooli ka achaar, a lady form whom i learned how to be respectful to the elders and still maintain the self respect... Rehana Khala.
i have many memories of her.. when Nani's house was not constructed she was the one who use to help me take bath, she told me that if you are feeling cold and are scared of cold water, you dont have to pour on to you from the top start bit by bit... still follow this when i feel cold taking a bath, i am sure she might have forgotten this,
i still remember how she prepared for her own marriage despite every one asking to sit and rest..
i remember how she use to forgive nazma khala the younger aunt who was very mischevious and still is, for all of her mischief!
i still remember she telling me to wear you old dress and save the new ones for occasions otherwise you end up with all of your dresses used and old.
i still remember she being silently working all the time and being perticuler about cleanliness, not the apparent cleansing but clean from inside.
in my child hood i used to spend months at nani's place and there she was the one who every time took the role of my mother, making me sleep comfortably, giving me food, what dress to wear when, helped me in bathing etc.. i was very young but still few of memories are so vividly clear.
then she got married to a financially weak but very hard working, honest and a generous man. both of them loved each other a lot. they are the best couple i would say among all my relatives. they were always in support of each other. both of them happily reared their family of four daughters and two sons. it was a economically poor yet very happy family.
i still remember the day when both of them came to me and my sister for some help and we did that as our duty. the happiness and warmth they shared is still fresh.
this January i got to know that she has to undergo some operation for removal of stone in her stomach, she was in pain on and off since a long time and it was diagnosed as stone. she was operated but took a loooong time to recover and get discaharged from the hospital, infact though she was discharged but never recovered. during operation it was found that she has a cancer and that too on a later stage... cancer started spreading like it spreads... faast... and she started loosing her health. last week when i met her she was soooo weeek that was even unable to open her eyes what to say of speak or body movement, she was reduced to skeleton... ufff i could not even look at her. Allah please never put someone in soo much pain. her teeth were the only clearly visible thikng on her face no flesh no muscles and no blood.. she was lying on bed with a huuuge stomach and bones.
i looked at her daughters they looked so helpless... all the time looking at her in case she trying to say something... ufff it was very painful... she was in pain... and those who looked at her were scared to see the pain on her face..
And for the first time in my life i raised my hand and sincerely prayed for death!!!
Allah please never put any one in such pain. either life or death .. no in between!! YOU are the one who is in control of everything!!!
i have many memories of her.. when Nani's house was not constructed she was the one who use to help me take bath, she told me that if you are feeling cold and are scared of cold water, you dont have to pour on to you from the top start bit by bit... still follow this when i feel cold taking a bath, i am sure she might have forgotten this,
i still remember how she prepared for her own marriage despite every one asking to sit and rest..
i remember how she use to forgive nazma khala the younger aunt who was very mischevious and still is, for all of her mischief!
i still remember she telling me to wear you old dress and save the new ones for occasions otherwise you end up with all of your dresses used and old.
i still remember she being silently working all the time and being perticuler about cleanliness, not the apparent cleansing but clean from inside.
in my child hood i used to spend months at nani's place and there she was the one who every time took the role of my mother, making me sleep comfortably, giving me food, what dress to wear when, helped me in bathing etc.. i was very young but still few of memories are so vividly clear.
then she got married to a financially weak but very hard working, honest and a generous man. both of them loved each other a lot. they are the best couple i would say among all my relatives. they were always in support of each other. both of them happily reared their family of four daughters and two sons. it was a economically poor yet very happy family.
i still remember the day when both of them came to me and my sister for some help and we did that as our duty. the happiness and warmth they shared is still fresh.
this January i got to know that she has to undergo some operation for removal of stone in her stomach, she was in pain on and off since a long time and it was diagnosed as stone. she was operated but took a loooong time to recover and get discaharged from the hospital, infact though she was discharged but never recovered. during operation it was found that she has a cancer and that too on a later stage... cancer started spreading like it spreads... faast... and she started loosing her health. last week when i met her she was soooo weeek that was even unable to open her eyes what to say of speak or body movement, she was reduced to skeleton... ufff i could not even look at her. Allah please never put someone in soo much pain. her teeth were the only clearly visible thikng on her face no flesh no muscles and no blood.. she was lying on bed with a huuuge stomach and bones.
i looked at her daughters they looked so helpless... all the time looking at her in case she trying to say something... ufff it was very painful... she was in pain... and those who looked at her were scared to see the pain on her face..
And for the first time in my life i raised my hand and sincerely prayed for death!!!
Allah please never put any one in such pain. either life or death .. no in between!! YOU are the one who is in control of everything!!!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
ugggggghhhhhhhh!!!
confusion in life
everyone seeks attention! sick!
and those who don't, I seek for their attention!! more sick!!!
everyone seeks attention! sick!
and those who don't, I seek for their attention!! more sick!!!
Saturday, June 4, 2011
hard work.
what does it mean.
hard work
does it means tension
does it means or being tired
hard work means what to whom
i enjoy when i am tired
i hate it when i am tensed
i just hate it
i love to be productive
i love to be useful to the world
so i really want to put as much of hard work as possible
but i hate the state of being tensed
i hate it when i am hating something or somebody
but it seems to be out of control
The issue is that i love hard work.
i love when i feel drops of sweat on my forehead an on my back...
i love it when i am tired and want to sleep
and i still continue with that work
i love to put my BODY in pain, then its soothing for my SOUL
its healing.!!!
hard work
does it means tension
does it means or being tired
hard work means what to whom
i enjoy when i am tired
i hate it when i am tensed
i just hate it
i love to be productive
i love to be useful to the world
so i really want to put as much of hard work as possible
but i hate the state of being tensed
i hate it when i am hating something or somebody
but it seems to be out of control
The issue is that i love hard work.
i love when i feel drops of sweat on my forehead an on my back...
i love it when i am tired and want to sleep
and i still continue with that work
i love to put my BODY in pain, then its soothing for my SOUL
its healing.!!!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
hair cut!!
i was sitting in parlor today, had gone for pedicure, saw a lady sitting in hijab (hijab in parlor why?? excuse me we all are ladies here... y u covering yourself.. are we making you feel uncomfortable or u yourself feel naked without hijab even when ONLY ladies are around!! ) Any way i was waiting for my turn and before me she was asked to take a seat and asked what she wants to be done? she said here cut and was so shy uncovering her head and then comes out an average looking lady with an average kind of hair! beautician started observing her hair and from top to bottom and asked what kind of hair cut she is looking forward to! she said she does not want that any one to know that she got a hair cut, they should not come on face tey should not hang on shoulders as-well. OKKKEEEYYYYY!!! then what exactly should i do asked the beautician! she said my husband and my mother in law do not want me to cut my hair but i love cutting it sooo much so i want to get it done.. all started laughing and she totally embarrassed!! any ways beautician did a bit of trimming from here and there and then asked her to check it once, she was soo happy that it reminded me the advertizement of INDICA where a man's eyes are WIIIDEE open for looong!! suddenly a girl who probably was with her said oh it is looking to short and clearly visible that you got them cut!! and all her happiness was substituted by a shock and dismay.
i wish she could hav had that happiness for free and for long.. and she had no such restriction on such petty things. suggesting and advising is one thing and focing and passing orders is another hope all who are trapped in this misunderstanding get out and start respecting all around them.. I pray for that lady.. may all notice her hair cut and also praise it. it HER choice and liking and after all she is human too!!
i wish she could hav had that happiness for free and for long.. and she had no such restriction on such petty things. suggesting and advising is one thing and focing and passing orders is another hope all who are trapped in this misunderstanding get out and start respecting all around them.. I pray for that lady.. may all notice her hair cut and also praise it. it HER choice and liking and after all she is human too!!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
dont beg
that day i and my sister were discussing philosphies of life and she said one should not beg, not beg for love not beg for respect and not beg for care. and instead be the giver, it was so true most of the fights in the life and world around are becz ppl are beggers they beg for love and they fight when they do not get it and they beg for respect and then fight.. they keep on begging for more and more and more... not realizing that they are begging!!! she said that one should be a giver and there is no end to giving as we have these things limitless in our store.. keep on giving and giving and giving.... and i was also of the view that as one grows one gets a load of responsibility, and i dont like it.. i like the feeling of happines which comes along with the responsibility but not the responsibily(oh see how openly i am sharing my mean self!!) she said there is no escape from responsibily... and if you do not want to be a begger, be responsible for your ownself and for others as well.. the more you are responsible the less you are begger... i agree with you my dear fanu singh.. let me embrace this as well.
Monday, February 22, 2010
the good feeling
the good feeling is easy to come and more easier to go....
it takes few moments and the perspective changes.. and also the strongly held close thoughts... the ideas one has and th beliefs one hold shatter like a glass... and there remain noting except remaining pieces of glass which is dangerous to hold...
one has to better not hold anyhting which may shatter and turn out to be dangerous....
any ways life is all about realizing what it is all about... all have to take this journey alone...
so do I!
it takes few moments and the perspective changes.. and also the strongly held close thoughts... the ideas one has and th beliefs one hold shatter like a glass... and there remain noting except remaining pieces of glass which is dangerous to hold...
one has to better not hold anyhting which may shatter and turn out to be dangerous....
any ways life is all about realizing what it is all about... all have to take this journey alone...
so do I!
Monday, December 28, 2009
it is happening.......
It is happening...
things happen at their own pace...
and "YOU" make them happen
I go with them...
joyfully and happily...
the feeling is good, the companion is great..
things would turn this way...
i actually wanted them to be exactly like this...
OH its happening...
i am happy that it is happening...
i look forward...
dream for more to come...
and let things happen..
becauze its the best that is happening..
thankful to 'YOU' my ALMIGHTY.
very much thankful.
You brought me here and i know you will take me furhter a well.
life is happy and i am so happy.
Not only happy but satisfied and fulfilled as well.!
Monday, November 16, 2009
a friend with the name "white dress"
I was waiting at NDRS for my father to arrive. He was coming form Lucknow. Train was delayed so I decided to sit on a less crowded platform and in search of the same reached platform 11. There i found a bench to sit, a girl was siting there alone. clutching all her bags and luggage close to herself. Just to initiate the discssion i had few genral question where are you gong what time is train when would her train arriving is she travellin alone etc etc also shared my information.....
to mst of the question sho would say "hou" as f saying No but it enat yes and i got this soon. any ways she shared that she came to delhi four ays back in marriage of her sister along with parents aoe brother, chcha chchai, taya and ew other relative all togather eight she didnt lie the ceremonis happened the kind and the huge nuber of ques arrived ane blah blah..
she was told by her sister mother in law that brides sisters are a not allowed to enter the house after marraigeand was refused to come in so she ecided to pack her bag ad come to station and go hope i.e A.P. alone and maded a pone call to relatives she has been old to wait here and all would be joining by 4 and rain is by 5 if they don't come she wouldbe going alone... she was very upset by this behaviour of sister's mother in law..
Any way i consoled her saying people have different customs and thoughts so let them be. the important thing in the situation i that her sister remais happy ad she should pray for that...
I asked her if she works or is tudying said no.. have pased 8the and now stays at home dil chchta hai to khana pka laiti hoon nai to so jati hoon... what a life!
I askd her name and she was shocked as if i sid something ofensive i asked the reason for the same. I was told that in her family girls are beaten badly if htey share name or adress or invite frinds even lady frinds to home and she is badly scared... and at any cost she can share her name... i asked her how would i remeber this small meeting she said you also dont share your name you be green dress and i am white dress (as we were wearing those colours dress)
i asked her for her photo she said no.. but I am sory my dear white dresss i did clicked and sharing with the world as well.
love you dear you are innocent! wish you a very happy and sae life ahead..
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
???????
Some times one feels so blank in this mess... the world is nothing more them a mess. and at times one feels so indifferent towards everything? why should i intervene? or why shoud i not? or does my intervention matters? or it just satisfies me and does not matter more than that except satifaction to me.
Situation is always to be dealt... just dealt with... becoz its our misunderstanding that things are in our control... we just deal with it and it passes this way or that way... who says what matters, and does not matters as well... what matters is one's innerself and one should be true to it's innerself and to the soul-partner.
Soul-partner and life partner are different but can easily be made one, for sure, what one needs is to connet really deeply, really deeeeeply!
Situation is always to be dealt... just dealt with... becoz its our misunderstanding that things are in our control... we just deal with it and it passes this way or that way... who says what matters, and does not matters as well... what matters is one's innerself and one should be true to it's innerself and to the soul-partner.
Soul-partner and life partner are different but can easily be made one, for sure, what one needs is to connet really deeply, really deeeeeply!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Hankercheif...
yesterday i left form home at 4;30 was in Pioneer coaching to take law class 10 min before so asked for a cup of tea.. it was a good tea and suddnly i hear vinita shouting "Oh shit!! This is really bad." i waited for the news to come .. and she came and disclosed that all the student have decided not to come as they are watching australia india match. any ways i asked the only one student present if he has sme questiona he want to discuss, using this opprtunity... to which he said that he would like to go and watch the match...i understood and we smiled at each other. I soon after fininshim my tea left the institute...
its rare that you suddnely get time to do nothing its a luzury.. i first decided to go to dilli haat (have been thinking about since morning) and just roam and sit alone.. i was letting any thought to come to my mind and was walking... thinking that i am going to catch an auto.. but instead i found myself standing in mid of lajpat naar market.. any ways i was jus walking here and there... i decided not to stop and shop and just walk and watch.. what a view!! people shouting, quoting the price, women putting clothes on themselves and checking if it suits them.. a child not interested at all in sweater is being forced to stand still so that she can be measure if the sweater fits her well.. and her moter assesing if it could be used in second season as well.. a boy and girl too young to know that they are just atracted to each other and say that we are in love fighting and the girl forcing the boy to enter the shop first, and boy resisting... a very fat lady havng golgappas.. a fully pregnant women buying shoes for her baby and husband holding few for her to select... all and everywhere there is soemthing going... crowd is so much initself and alone..
i just looked here and there and then suddenly a man cam to me, a man quite smartly dressed looked well educated was able to speak in a mannered and civilised way, polished shoes, and holding a big nice bag on his shoulders, he said "excuse me" i was taken a back... and he said "Would you like to buy a cotton hanky set only for Rs.50/-" WHAT HE WAS SELLING HANKIES!! i said a clear NO, and moved forward and he also to others but i could not resist myself to stop and look back. look back at him. He selling hankies..?? i thought he might be selling compuers or handling some corporate post.. i was shocked was it a prank or reality... i stopped and just looked at him though pretending that i am selecting some clotes to buy... he kept on asking all the passers by no one soped for next 5-7 minutes.. who was he, waht was his life about.. how comforatble he was, doing this work, what made him do so.
i have nothing to do with his life.. i only pray to allah for all those who are in problem and are struggling hard to make the ends meet wheater its a begger or a rikshaw puller or any other.. i pray for all.
in the evening while i was getting down from riskhaw at my plase i asked "kitna hua?" he said 10/- i handed a 50 ka note he told me that if possible i should give the change i said no.. he still requested i said i have a 10 rupee coin which i do not want to part with.. the moment i said this .. he stoped his search for change and handed the 50/- note back to me and said "didi mere pass ek dus ka sikk tha aur ek 20 ka be tha meri behen ko de diya maine bangaal mai.. please mujhey 10 wala sikk dedo mujhey rakhna hai kharach nahi karoonga... aur 20 ka be ho to woh be, mai bees ka note de doonga us ke badle..." I had been safugaurding that 10/- coin for last 5-6 months and that request just broke all of my rigiity and i gave that coin.. i left the rikshaw and a tired sweating yet happy rikshaw puller.
its great to touch lives!
its rare that you suddnely get time to do nothing its a luzury.. i first decided to go to dilli haat (have been thinking about since morning) and just roam and sit alone.. i was letting any thought to come to my mind and was walking... thinking that i am going to catch an auto.. but instead i found myself standing in mid of lajpat naar market.. any ways i was jus walking here and there... i decided not to stop and shop and just walk and watch.. what a view!! people shouting, quoting the price, women putting clothes on themselves and checking if it suits them.. a child not interested at all in sweater is being forced to stand still so that she can be measure if the sweater fits her well.. and her moter assesing if it could be used in second season as well.. a boy and girl too young to know that they are just atracted to each other and say that we are in love fighting and the girl forcing the boy to enter the shop first, and boy resisting... a very fat lady havng golgappas.. a fully pregnant women buying shoes for her baby and husband holding few for her to select... all and everywhere there is soemthing going... crowd is so much initself and alone..
i just looked here and there and then suddenly a man cam to me, a man quite smartly dressed looked well educated was able to speak in a mannered and civilised way, polished shoes, and holding a big nice bag on his shoulders, he said "excuse me" i was taken a back... and he said "Would you like to buy a cotton hanky set only for Rs.50/-" WHAT HE WAS SELLING HANKIES!! i said a clear NO, and moved forward and he also to others but i could not resist myself to stop and look back. look back at him. He selling hankies..?? i thought he might be selling compuers or handling some corporate post.. i was shocked was it a prank or reality... i stopped and just looked at him though pretending that i am selecting some clotes to buy... he kept on asking all the passers by no one soped for next 5-7 minutes.. who was he, waht was his life about.. how comforatble he was, doing this work, what made him do so.
i have nothing to do with his life.. i only pray to allah for all those who are in problem and are struggling hard to make the ends meet wheater its a begger or a rikshaw puller or any other.. i pray for all.
in the evening while i was getting down from riskhaw at my plase i asked "kitna hua?" he said 10/- i handed a 50 ka note he told me that if possible i should give the change i said no.. he still requested i said i have a 10 rupee coin which i do not want to part with.. the moment i said this .. he stoped his search for change and handed the 50/- note back to me and said "didi mere pass ek dus ka sikk tha aur ek 20 ka be tha meri behen ko de diya maine bangaal mai.. please mujhey 10 wala sikk dedo mujhey rakhna hai kharach nahi karoonga... aur 20 ka be ho to woh be, mai bees ka note de doonga us ke badle..." I had been safugaurding that 10/- coin for last 5-6 months and that request just broke all of my rigiity and i gave that coin.. i left the rikshaw and a tired sweating yet happy rikshaw puller.
its great to touch lives!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
it ghunnnnn ghunnnnnn.......
its almost a week now that i m having a strange kind of vibrating sounds in center of my head.. i hope and pray that its not something serious... i plan to visit Dr. but it is just not happening. Its so irritating... thinking all this i stopped my T.V. Watch, started using ear plugs instead of cellphone near to my ear and also slept early and got up when i felt like i am done with enough of sleep.. but it would not stop.. oh wish i could explain it as to what it is.. it forces me to close my eyes and it also makes me feel that world should stop for a while till i am back... but ...
i have not let someone take it seriously as i remeber it happened a few year back and then disappeared at its own, i hope it just a body reqction to my unhealthy life style.
iam fed up and hate telling all the time that i am having it.. better i collapse and it ends along with everything else...
allah please help me out...
i have not let someone take it seriously as i remeber it happened a few year back and then disappeared at its own, i hope it just a body reqction to my unhealthy life style.
iam fed up and hate telling all the time that i am having it.. better i collapse and it ends along with everything else...
allah please help me out...
Friday, October 16, 2009
terror!
was in nehru place for some time... all the time i was so alert that koi dhamaka ya terror attack na ho jaye.. it was a starnge feeling looking at people buyingcrackers and new clothes on diwali discout... i was thinking why not these things are visible to those who make a mess of peoples live... it happends in pakistan in inida or US or afghanistaan.. we all are teh same human being.. ad we feel hte sae pain and same happiness.. it just a nderstnadig of the so much repeated phrase. "Live and Let Live!"
i also thought of sharua as i found this folowing poem...
i also thought of sharua as i found this folowing poem...
Shaurya Kya hai ?
Thartharaati is dharti ko raundati faujiyon ki ek paltan ka shor
Yaa Sahme se aaasman ko cheerta huaBandookon ki salaami ka shor
Shaurya Kya hai ?
Hari wardi per chamakte hue chand peetal ke sitare
Ya sarhad ka naam dekar andekhi kuchh lakeeron ki numaish
Shaurya Kya hai ?
Door udate khaamosh parinde ko
Goliyon se bhoon dene ka ehsaasya
sholon ki barsaat se pal bhar mein
Ek shehar ko shamshaan banaa dene ka eshaas
Shaurya Kya hai ?
Behti pyaas mein kisi ke garm khoon ka
Huale se surkh ho jaanaYa anjaani kisi jannat ki firaq meinpal pal ka dozakh bante jana
Baroodon se dhundhlaaye is aasmaan mein
Shaurya Kya hai ?
Waadiyon mein goonjte kisi gaon ke maatam mein
Shaurya Kya hai ?
Shaurya Shaayad ek hausalaShaayad ek himmat
Hamaare bohot andar
Mazhab ke banaaye daayare ko tod kar
Kisi ka haath thaam lene ki himmat
Goliyon ke betahashaa shor ko Apni khamoshi se Chunauti de paane ki himmat
Marti maarti is duniya mein nihatthe date rehne ki himmat
Shaurya Kya hai ?
Aane wale kal ki khaatir
Apne hisse ki Kaaynat ko Aaj bachaa lene ki himmat
Shaurya Kya hai ?
..........................................
.Lovely lyrics from the movie "shaurya", penned by Javed Akhtar Sb.
Thartharaati is dharti ko raundati faujiyon ki ek paltan ka shor
Yaa Sahme se aaasman ko cheerta huaBandookon ki salaami ka shor
Shaurya Kya hai ?
Hari wardi per chamakte hue chand peetal ke sitare
Ya sarhad ka naam dekar andekhi kuchh lakeeron ki numaish
Shaurya Kya hai ?
Door udate khaamosh parinde ko
Goliyon se bhoon dene ka ehsaasya
sholon ki barsaat se pal bhar mein
Ek shehar ko shamshaan banaa dene ka eshaas
Shaurya Kya hai ?
Behti pyaas mein kisi ke garm khoon ka
Huale se surkh ho jaanaYa anjaani kisi jannat ki firaq meinpal pal ka dozakh bante jana
Baroodon se dhundhlaaye is aasmaan mein
Shaurya Kya hai ?
Waadiyon mein goonjte kisi gaon ke maatam mein
Shaurya Kya hai ?
Shaurya Shaayad ek hausalaShaayad ek himmat
Hamaare bohot andar
Mazhab ke banaaye daayare ko tod kar
Kisi ka haath thaam lene ki himmat
Goliyon ke betahashaa shor ko Apni khamoshi se Chunauti de paane ki himmat
Marti maarti is duniya mein nihatthe date rehne ki himmat
Shaurya Kya hai ?
Aane wale kal ki khaatir
Apne hisse ki Kaaynat ko Aaj bachaa lene ki himmat
Shaurya Kya hai ?
..........................................
.Lovely lyrics from the movie "shaurya", penned by Javed Akhtar Sb.
Monday, August 3, 2009
fist day again
It was way back in 2005 that I joined the MARG had my first day… I still remember the day… Ms Abha S. Joshi had given me some correspondence files to go through and compile the same and make a brief note in Hindi, I only know how much I was concerned and tensed thinking that it being my first assignment I ve to give 100 percent…… NHRC file and me both were together the entire understanding and understanding each other,,,,, and I didn’t realize that how and when things were in total control and I knew exactly when where and why’s of al most all the things and responsibilities….and it took a change and I had to leave MARG.
Now 3rd of August 2009 almost four days after that when day I did that translation… I am sitting exactly on the same place reading and going through the files and understanding things and their stages… but I know in my hear t how much confident I am land how much I feel that things are in my control, nice to c people surprises....I really liked the reactions of Sudha and Vrinda.
Now 3rd of August 2009 almost four days after that when day I did that translation… I am sitting exactly on the same place reading and going through the files and understanding things and their stages… but I know in my hear t how much confident I am land how much I feel that things are in my control, nice to c people surprises....I really liked the reactions of Sudha and Vrinda.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Rain rain come again....
Still remeber the poen..
rain rain go away
little johny wants to play....
Its Delhi and clean long rain lots of rain with lots of cool wind clears everything inside and outside... Rain has always left me so refreshing.. no matter if I stand and get the shower on me... feel it, or see it... or some times just even listen to it... its soooo refreshing...
this is the only wheteher which makes everythink speak..... and speak so nicely.. the leaves.. the clouds... the wind.... the water... everything says something.. and i feel the effects in my heart...
It says that i am coming from miles and miles to touch your face..
it says that i not only touch your skin but i touch the soul...
it says be as pure as i am...
We few tiny drop makes the world dance..
Make the leaves... the branches... the birds...the winds dance...
And the cloud and the kids all dance on my tune...
I make the earth smell in a beautifull way
as if its in love .. actually its is.!
It is in love and happy and soon produces the green tiny leaves
on which the entire world survives...
It says listen to me... i change depending on whom i meet..
I am different falling on the mud roof... the sound on car is different... the window galsses set a new rythem
the shaft in cieling sound is diferent... the fall on the floor is different... the fall on your face is different..
and listen to it carefully...i am beautifull everywhere....
i am the best music you can ever hear....
I have nothing to say... I love the rain.. it makes me dance!!!!
rain rain go away
little johny wants to play....
Its Delhi and clean long rain lots of rain with lots of cool wind clears everything inside and outside... Rain has always left me so refreshing.. no matter if I stand and get the shower on me... feel it, or see it... or some times just even listen to it... its soooo refreshing...
this is the only wheteher which makes everythink speak..... and speak so nicely.. the leaves.. the clouds... the wind.... the water... everything says something.. and i feel the effects in my heart...
It says that i am coming from miles and miles to touch your face..
it says that i not only touch your skin but i touch the soul...
it says be as pure as i am...
We few tiny drop makes the world dance..
Make the leaves... the branches... the birds...the winds dance...
And the cloud and the kids all dance on my tune...
I make the earth smell in a beautifull way
as if its in love .. actually its is.!
It is in love and happy and soon produces the green tiny leaves
on which the entire world survives...
It says listen to me... i change depending on whom i meet..
I am different falling on the mud roof... the sound on car is different... the window galsses set a new rythem
the shaft in cieling sound is diferent... the fall on the floor is different... the fall on your face is different..
and listen to it carefully...i am beautifull everywhere....
i am the best music you can ever hear....
I have nothing to say... I love the rain.. it makes me dance!!!!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Y Pain?
there are so many y's in life...
y there i pain...?
y pain is bad?
if its inseperable part of lif y cant we enjoy it?,
y it goes wih a medicine?
y we forget what we underwent once the pain is over,?
y we have to face it,?
y cant we disconnect or mind with our body,?
we suddenly there is soooo much need to be loved while in pain?
y love helps so much though the pain remains.?
y? y? y? y?
y there i pain...?
y pain is bad?
if its inseperable part of lif y cant we enjoy it?,
y it goes wih a medicine?
y we forget what we underwent once the pain is over,?
y we have to face it,?
y cant we disconnect or mind with our body,?
we suddenly there is soooo much need to be loved while in pain?
y love helps so much though the pain remains.?
y? y? y? y?
Friday, July 3, 2009
that's the tehlka article i read last week......(Ref:- see my next post )
A LOUD WHISTLE pierces the early morning silence at the Saraswati Bal Mandir school in West Delhi. A steady stream of young boys in white shirts and khaki half-pants filters down to the grounds. Yoga will begin sharp at 4:30am. Karate, judo, nose punches will follow. At first glance, one could mistake this for a boys’ summer camp. But a closer look, and something else emerges. There are lathi pyramids, hoops of fire, gunshots and lessons about the different stages of war. The boys must learn to jump through flames if their houses are set on fire by “terrorists, Muslims, illegal immigrants,” must know a gun intimately to use it for maximum impact. On their arms and foreheads are bright orange bands with red imprints. For Sandeep Yadav, 15, the son of a garment shop owner in Sarojni Nagar, the orange brings motivation and a sense of belonging. “It charges me up to fight,” he says.
For what? “To protect Bharat Mata.” From what? “Akraman” (Attack). By whom? He stammers. The English. The Australians. The Christians. The Muslims. Probe his newly acquired worldview further and this surfaces: “Hindu girls should not wear sleeveless clothes. That is what Bharatya sanskriti (Indian culture) teaches us. And if a Hindu girl marries a Muslim, her head should be chopped off and the Muslim man’s too.”
Welcome to the training camp of the Bajrang Dal, the youth sect of the rightwing Vishwa Hindu Parishad (VHP). It is a weeklong camp held annually to “instill courage within the Hindu youth and awaken them to their patriotic duties,” says Ashok Kapoor, Bajrang Dal Delhi convenor. “We prepare people to fight on the ground when the need arises,” adds Shailendra Jaiswal, state co-convenor. “We choose them selectively. They must be Hindus and in touch with our local party workers,” he says. The official age is 15 to 35. The 2009 camp concluded in June saw 100 participants. Most come from some right-wing background (their parents are Bajrang Dal workers, neighbours of workers, or perhaps they attend the morning yoga classes held by the VHP in their colony). Yet, this is their first introduction to the Bajrang Dal. Conversations with these children reveal not only how the Dal views itself, but how it systemically indoctrinates its future foot-soldiers. This camp is only the launchpad for a much longer journey. Through the year, other camps with the larger mentor organisation RSS will give the young tribe a chance to hone “intellectual concepts” — the focus will shift from physical training to a more lucid sculpting of the mind. Already, the first dents have been made.
Ask Vineet Kumar, 14, barely four feet tall, the son of a sports garments factory worker, what is the Bajrang Dal? With a voice not yet cracked, he answers in phrases – “Ram Setu, Ram Janambhoomi, Amarnath yatra, hartal, and chakka jam.” According to him, “Pakistani terrorists” were trying to shut down the Amarnath Yatra but the Bajrang Dal rallied every child in Jammu and Kashmir on the streets to protest. At the camp, Vineet learnt a new word he likes to thrust at every opportunity: Virodh (resist) — that is what he wants to do when he grows up. Ask what he will virodh against and his eyes wander, trying to distill the stew of textbook answers fed to him.
THERE WERE speeches: “Be weary of six M’s,” the boys were told from a booming microphone. “Muslims, Missionaries, Marxists, Lord Macaulay, foreign Media and Maino [UPA President Sonia Gandhi’s middle name].”
The warning of an apocalypse: Kalyug is upon us. The Muslims are taking over the country by converting Hindus, by pretending to be Hindu and marrying our women. Hindus will soon be extinct. Already the Muslims exceed Hindus in India. We must remove the mullahs from our country. They kill our Gau Mata; each cow has 2,300 devis inside her. (“We can’t trust Muslims, they don’t even spare our cows, why will they spare us?” says Anil, 14, the son of a vegetable vendor in Delhi.)
‘If a Hindu girl marries a Muslim boy, her head should be chopped off,’ says Sandeep, 15
There were revolutionary songs: Hindu ke hit par janamu, hindu ke hit par mar jaau (Live and die for the well being of Hindus). Ho jayo tayar sathiyo, arpit kar do hazar balidan (Get ready comrades for a thousand sacrifices). Slogans: Shastro mao jayathe! (Long live the arms!) CDs with proof: how the police beat up Dal workers trying to save the Amarnath land.
And when the young brigade was inspired enough, there were chants: Ram Ram chilayange, mullhe kate jaayenge. (Screaming Ram’s name, we will cut the Muslims). And lawyers to explain to the boys how they can avoid criminal charges. No surprise that when the Guru asked, “How we will remove Muslims?” the boys said in unison: “We will cut them up!”
And finally, there was advice for life: What should you do if your house is attacked and you have no weapons? Use motorcycle chains. Bring out the gas cylinder. Encircle the house with oil and light it on fire so the terrorists can’t enter.
What should you do when Muslims move into your area? Find out their background. Start up a friendship but don’t invite them home. Ask the women if they have been forcibly married. Report to the police if they have. “The Muslims in my lane are nice,” says Vineet. “They don’t force their wives to wear the burqa and they allow their children to play. But other Muslims cut up their wives and children if they step out of the house.” In their modest Badarpur home in South Delhi, Vineet’s mother listens in shock. “I didn’t know this is what they teach,” says Kumari Devi, wavering on whether she’ll send him again next year. But it may not matter. Her son has already found his mission in life — Hindu Samaj Seva (social work) — the way the Bajrang Dal defines it.
WRITER’S EMAILtusha@tehelka.com
For what? “To protect Bharat Mata.” From what? “Akraman” (Attack). By whom? He stammers. The English. The Australians. The Christians. The Muslims. Probe his newly acquired worldview further and this surfaces: “Hindu girls should not wear sleeveless clothes. That is what Bharatya sanskriti (Indian culture) teaches us. And if a Hindu girl marries a Muslim, her head should be chopped off and the Muslim man’s too.”
Welcome to the training camp of the Bajrang Dal, the youth sect of the rightwing Vishwa Hindu Parishad (VHP). It is a weeklong camp held annually to “instill courage within the Hindu youth and awaken them to their patriotic duties,” says Ashok Kapoor, Bajrang Dal Delhi convenor. “We prepare people to fight on the ground when the need arises,” adds Shailendra Jaiswal, state co-convenor. “We choose them selectively. They must be Hindus and in touch with our local party workers,” he says. The official age is 15 to 35. The 2009 camp concluded in June saw 100 participants. Most come from some right-wing background (their parents are Bajrang Dal workers, neighbours of workers, or perhaps they attend the morning yoga classes held by the VHP in their colony). Yet, this is their first introduction to the Bajrang Dal. Conversations with these children reveal not only how the Dal views itself, but how it systemically indoctrinates its future foot-soldiers. This camp is only the launchpad for a much longer journey. Through the year, other camps with the larger mentor organisation RSS will give the young tribe a chance to hone “intellectual concepts” — the focus will shift from physical training to a more lucid sculpting of the mind. Already, the first dents have been made.
Ask Vineet Kumar, 14, barely four feet tall, the son of a sports garments factory worker, what is the Bajrang Dal? With a voice not yet cracked, he answers in phrases – “Ram Setu, Ram Janambhoomi, Amarnath yatra, hartal, and chakka jam.” According to him, “Pakistani terrorists” were trying to shut down the Amarnath Yatra but the Bajrang Dal rallied every child in Jammu and Kashmir on the streets to protest. At the camp, Vineet learnt a new word he likes to thrust at every opportunity: Virodh (resist) — that is what he wants to do when he grows up. Ask what he will virodh against and his eyes wander, trying to distill the stew of textbook answers fed to him.
THERE WERE speeches: “Be weary of six M’s,” the boys were told from a booming microphone. “Muslims, Missionaries, Marxists, Lord Macaulay, foreign Media and Maino [UPA President Sonia Gandhi’s middle name].”
The warning of an apocalypse: Kalyug is upon us. The Muslims are taking over the country by converting Hindus, by pretending to be Hindu and marrying our women. Hindus will soon be extinct. Already the Muslims exceed Hindus in India. We must remove the mullahs from our country. They kill our Gau Mata; each cow has 2,300 devis inside her. (“We can’t trust Muslims, they don’t even spare our cows, why will they spare us?” says Anil, 14, the son of a vegetable vendor in Delhi.)
‘If a Hindu girl marries a Muslim boy, her head should be chopped off,’ says Sandeep, 15
There were revolutionary songs: Hindu ke hit par janamu, hindu ke hit par mar jaau (Live and die for the well being of Hindus). Ho jayo tayar sathiyo, arpit kar do hazar balidan (Get ready comrades for a thousand sacrifices). Slogans: Shastro mao jayathe! (Long live the arms!) CDs with proof: how the police beat up Dal workers trying to save the Amarnath land.
And when the young brigade was inspired enough, there were chants: Ram Ram chilayange, mullhe kate jaayenge. (Screaming Ram’s name, we will cut the Muslims). And lawyers to explain to the boys how they can avoid criminal charges. No surprise that when the Guru asked, “How we will remove Muslims?” the boys said in unison: “We will cut them up!”
And finally, there was advice for life: What should you do if your house is attacked and you have no weapons? Use motorcycle chains. Bring out the gas cylinder. Encircle the house with oil and light it on fire so the terrorists can’t enter.
What should you do when Muslims move into your area? Find out their background. Start up a friendship but don’t invite them home. Ask the women if they have been forcibly married. Report to the police if they have. “The Muslims in my lane are nice,” says Vineet. “They don’t force their wives to wear the burqa and they allow their children to play. But other Muslims cut up their wives and children if they step out of the house.” In their modest Badarpur home in South Delhi, Vineet’s mother listens in shock. “I didn’t know this is what they teach,” says Kumari Devi, wavering on whether she’ll send him again next year. But it may not matter. Her son has already found his mission in life — Hindu Samaj Seva (social work) — the way the Bajrang Dal defines it.
WRITER’S EMAILtusha@tehelka.com
India is Roz!
today i had gone forthe film screening f India is roz a film prepeared by some studnets at teenmurti under the guidance of Fakhra my sister.
I am happy an so glad hatsham benegal well know personality from fim industry was also htre as he was th eone who made those 1o chapters of "Bharat ek khoj" i saw a new nehru i saw the relection of wht indi is oday... i was happy
it wasjust a week before that i was going through tehelka magazine and read how RSS has bee spreading communalism in schools there are schools established espeacilly to prepare an army which can figh against islam and crishanity, i could feel goosbumps when i was reading those little stories ad stamtens by a kid of 5 year old bot that when they are asked about their aim of life they say to kill muslims. if our socity is letting sch thouths breed i was sure that the end is near soon. i wondered what would be the end... who can sop this...
today in this band of 100 kids i could see the spark. i am happy that therea re timy minds which understand so clearly about what is development in its true sense who know wat they wnat an what is thier duty, who know that what is being sensitive towards gender (and that gender does not mean women.) i am happy to see how all of us were silent and clapped so loudly to espress that they agree when the groups sand "iswar allah tere janahn me itni nafrat kyou? tera dil to itna bada hai insaan ka dil tang hai kyou?"
i am happy to see that there are people who are there to save the world.
at the same time now i am determind and sure that i am one among them. cant be against them at any cost of course.... but i am not the one who is indefferent towards what is hapening....
I am happy an so glad hatsham benegal well know personality from fim industry was also htre as he was th eone who made those 1o chapters of "Bharat ek khoj" i saw a new nehru i saw the relection of wht indi is oday... i was happy
it wasjust a week before that i was going through tehelka magazine and read how RSS has bee spreading communalism in schools there are schools established espeacilly to prepare an army which can figh against islam and crishanity, i could feel goosbumps when i was reading those little stories ad stamtens by a kid of 5 year old bot that when they are asked about their aim of life they say to kill muslims. if our socity is letting sch thouths breed i was sure that the end is near soon. i wondered what would be the end... who can sop this...
today in this band of 100 kids i could see the spark. i am happy that therea re timy minds which understand so clearly about what is development in its true sense who know wat they wnat an what is thier duty, who know that what is being sensitive towards gender (and that gender does not mean women.) i am happy to see how all of us were silent and clapped so loudly to espress that they agree when the groups sand "iswar allah tere janahn me itni nafrat kyou? tera dil to itna bada hai insaan ka dil tang hai kyou?"
i am happy to see that there are people who are there to save the world.
at the same time now i am determind and sure that i am one among them. cant be against them at any cost of course.... but i am not the one who is indefferent towards what is hapening....
24 Hours To Die
Raj asked Buddha, “Reverend Sir, how come my mind wanders around to forbidden places and yours does not?” “Sir, how come I do back-biting and you don't?” “Sir, how come I don't have compassion for others, while you have?” All the questions that Raj asked were of similar nature.
Buddha replied, “Raj, your questions are good, but it seems to me that in 24 hours from now you will die.”
Raj got up and started getting ready to go.
Buddha asked, “Raj, what happened? You came with such vitality now you are totally dismayed.”
Raj said, “Sir, my mother told me that your words are true and are to be held in high esteem. So please let me go so that I may meet my family members, friends and others before I die.”
Buddha said, “But there are still 24 hours. Sit, we will talk more.”
Raj said, “Reverend Sir, please let me go. I must meet my people before I die.”
So Raj left and went home. Met his mother and started crying. The word spread. His friends came; other family members came; neighbors came. Everyone was crying with Raj. Time flew.
Raj was busy either crying or counting the hours. When only 3 hours were left, he pulled up a cot and lay down. Although the Death had not yet arrived, poor Raj was kind of dead.
When only an hour was left, Buddha walked in.
Buddha said to Raj, “Raj, why are you lying down on the cot with your closed eyes. Death is still an hour away. And an hour is 60 minutes long. That's a lot of time. Get up, let us talk.”
Raj: “Sir, what is it now that you want to talk? Just let me die peacefully.”
Buddha: “Raj, there is still time and our talk will get over before the 'ordained' time.”
Raj: “Okay, Sir . . . say what you have to say.”
Buddha: “In the past 24 hours, did you curse anyone?”
Raj: “How could I curse anyone? I was all the time thinking about death.”
Buddha: “In the past 24 hours, did you think or wish ill for anyone?”
Raj: “How could I do that? I was all the time thinking about death.”
Buddha: “In the past 24 hours, did you steal?”
Raj: “Sir, how can you even ask that? I was all the time thinking about death.”
Finally the Buddha said, “Raj, I don't know who has to die and who has to live. But understanding the ultimate truth — i.e. death — can be very enlightening. All the questions you posed to me have been answered by yourself because of the awareness of death that you experienced during the past 24 hours. The difference between me and you is that you were aware of death for the past 24 hours, I have been aware for the past 24 years.”
i really liked it.... have copied from http://www.gakkaionline.net/Myths/24Hours.html
Buddha replied, “Raj, your questions are good, but it seems to me that in 24 hours from now you will die.”
Raj got up and started getting ready to go.
Buddha asked, “Raj, what happened? You came with such vitality now you are totally dismayed.”
Raj said, “Sir, my mother told me that your words are true and are to be held in high esteem. So please let me go so that I may meet my family members, friends and others before I die.”
Buddha said, “But there are still 24 hours. Sit, we will talk more.”
Raj said, “Reverend Sir, please let me go. I must meet my people before I die.”
So Raj left and went home. Met his mother and started crying. The word spread. His friends came; other family members came; neighbors came. Everyone was crying with Raj. Time flew.
Raj was busy either crying or counting the hours. When only 3 hours were left, he pulled up a cot and lay down. Although the Death had not yet arrived, poor Raj was kind of dead.
When only an hour was left, Buddha walked in.
Buddha said to Raj, “Raj, why are you lying down on the cot with your closed eyes. Death is still an hour away. And an hour is 60 minutes long. That's a lot of time. Get up, let us talk.”
Raj: “Sir, what is it now that you want to talk? Just let me die peacefully.”
Buddha: “Raj, there is still time and our talk will get over before the 'ordained' time.”
Raj: “Okay, Sir . . . say what you have to say.”
Buddha: “In the past 24 hours, did you curse anyone?”
Raj: “How could I curse anyone? I was all the time thinking about death.”
Buddha: “In the past 24 hours, did you think or wish ill for anyone?”
Raj: “How could I do that? I was all the time thinking about death.”
Buddha: “In the past 24 hours, did you steal?”
Raj: “Sir, how can you even ask that? I was all the time thinking about death.”
Finally the Buddha said, “Raj, I don't know who has to die and who has to live. But understanding the ultimate truth — i.e. death — can be very enlightening. All the questions you posed to me have been answered by yourself because of the awareness of death that you experienced during the past 24 hours. The difference between me and you is that you were aware of death for the past 24 hours, I have been aware for the past 24 years.”
i really liked it.... have copied from http://www.gakkaionline.net/Myths/24Hours.html
Sunday, May 24, 2009
youth!!
wonder what it is? is it curiosity, is it energy, enthusism, prime time, confidance to face the world or just few years of life...
Friday, May 22, 2009
couldn't sleep...
I am not saying could not sleep at all.... but life is not that happy and contended as i imagined it to be... it is different and i am taking time to understand what is where and why it is there.... while sitting in a roller coster... this takes off my sleep once in a while..
Sunday, May 10, 2009
pairee pona maa'am!!!!
the mooment i enter the class the entire cass says peri pona ma'am... WHAT!!!
i was taken aback y peri pona instead of Goodmorning... all lauging loudly an i standing confused and laughing at the same time...
these days i am aking classes for Studnets who wnat to get admisssion for CA i am taking classes of Indian contract act, Sales of goods act and partnership Act having a good time....
Around total 20 studnets.. class startes at 7 in th morning it is an two hour class i am dne by 9. Me as well as the studets seem to having reat time... all of them have a diferent characher of them.. entire last row is danm naughtly all of them have a constant smile and keep sharing something or th other n mater how strngly i ask them to stay serious and attntive it works only for 10 min maximum... and again the situation is same... but i am not that worried one becuase it is the last row and the rest f cass actually dont know what is happening and seconly all of them good when in comes to actusla studies... surya is the fav studet of mine... he is very naughty... and for the last one week he has started siting in an angle that i am never abl to see his face... and he would keep changing his position with mine.. and i have to be really trickey to see him and ask some question....
Mr. kaul is another all the time preaching fellow and Mr jain has unecessary extra sweetnes in him.. mich makes me uncomfortable he is actually a man of bussinesss for his core....
to sum up i am having a good time.
i was taken aback y peri pona instead of Goodmorning... all lauging loudly an i standing confused and laughing at the same time...
these days i am aking classes for Studnets who wnat to get admisssion for CA i am taking classes of Indian contract act, Sales of goods act and partnership Act having a good time....
Around total 20 studnets.. class startes at 7 in th morning it is an two hour class i am dne by 9. Me as well as the studets seem to having reat time... all of them have a diferent characher of them.. entire last row is danm naughtly all of them have a constant smile and keep sharing something or th other n mater how strngly i ask them to stay serious and attntive it works only for 10 min maximum... and again the situation is same... but i am not that worried one becuase it is the last row and the rest f cass actually dont know what is happening and seconly all of them good when in comes to actusla studies... surya is the fav studet of mine... he is very naughty... and for the last one week he has started siting in an angle that i am never abl to see his face... and he would keep changing his position with mine.. and i have to be really trickey to see him and ask some question....
Mr. kaul is another all the time preaching fellow and Mr jain has unecessary extra sweetnes in him.. mich makes me uncomfortable he is actually a man of bussinesss for his core....
to sum up i am having a good time.
Monday, May 4, 2009
happiness...
Happiness is nothing but just a good health and bad memory....
and I am in need of both!
and I am in need of both!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
rightly said...
"Life is a gift of nature; but beautiful living is the gift of wisdom." --Greek Adage
its so rightly said... but at the same time its so damm difficult to have the wisdom... the more you try geting it the more you realize how little you possess...
Sunday, March 29, 2009
cruel intentions....
i still remeber i was on my way to karnal.. and we stopped by Nariyal wala.... he was quite a funny man he let us do what ever we were doing... then we started talking about "kalandhri"... and abhik was also there to whom i wanted to explain what it is!!Saturday, March 28, 2009
Sky, Earth and Water Meet Without any Boundries.. they merge..... So Do the Souls....My Attempt to Understand!!
My todays fortune on orkut says "The course of true love never runs smooth".... and the book i am reading "the road less travelled" says the same.... its never is smooth..... the good thing is that its about TRUE love!!
TRUE LOVE......how easily we get wrong impression about love...., romance is romance not love..., initial attraction is just initial and that is also not love...., love is also not "falling in love" becz then after a while one comes out of it..., the moment one is awakend of ones individaulity the "falling-in-love-pahse" is over... Love is about the life when you come out of that "falling-in-love-pahse", ...... Hmm I think it majorly depends upon what kind of arguments one is having...,
How much the couple cares for each other even when they are out of "falling-in-love-pahse",
how much they understand each other when they are out of "faling-in-love-pahse", and
how much of ego they are able to shed when they are out of "falling-in-love-phase".....
..... and it is importnat that both should be looking forward for a long spritual journey (understanding one SELF to understand the SELF of the partner... becz we all share the same SELF) ...
TRUE LOVE......how easily we get wrong impression about love...., romance is romance not love..., initial attraction is just initial and that is also not love...., love is also not "falling in love" becz then after a while one comes out of it..., the moment one is awakend of ones individaulity the "falling-in-love-pahse" is over... Love is about the life when you come out of that "falling-in-love-pahse", ...... Hmm I think it majorly depends upon what kind of arguments one is having...,
How much the couple cares for each other even when they are out of "falling-in-love-pahse",
how much they understand each other when they are out of "faling-in-love-pahse", and
how much of ego they are able to shed when they are out of "falling-in-love-phase".....
..... and it is importnat that both should be looking forward for a long spritual journey (understanding one SELF to understand the SELF of the partner... becz we all share the same SELF) ...
...and space to grow.... not just help the other person grow, but also be ready to grow oneself, this could be achieved only once one admits that there is scope for the growth.!. and that scope is aaaalways there. Its the understanding of SELF which helps in realizing this scope.
If one loves onself then only he/she can love the other... and the entire world is lovable what we have to see is the journyey (intellectual and spritual both) they are going on.. the values they share, the principals they hold and most important the space they give and take from each other which makes it evarlsing.......!!
and both keep working on these things "every single moment" but then we can say for sure " that they lived happily everafter!!!!
If one loves onself then only he/she can love the other... and the entire world is lovable what we have to see is the journyey (intellectual and spritual both) they are going on.. the values they share, the principals they hold and most important the space they give and take from each other which makes it evarlsing.......!!
and both keep working on these things "every single moment" but then we can say for sure " that they lived happily everafter!!!!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
to the regular reader of my blog...
i know who is the regular reader of my blog.. please do comment on my posts you can even mail me... would really LOVE to have your valuable comment... appreciation or criticism both are welcome and would help me!!!
hahahahahaha!!!
hahahahahaha!!!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
huge rocks and tiny me in port blair...
I was in port Blair from 3.7.2006 to 8.7.2006... had really enjoyed my stay there that was my first trip over the sea... and to Andaman Islands... later on i did enjoyed but somehow those memories of the first visits are still fresh in my heart... and today suddenly while i was digging out some of my paper i found a crippled note of my thoughts and feeling i had jotted down while being there... thought of posting it before I again put it some were not to be located easily.... ( As my gold chain and few important receipts are still missing!!!) the note is typed as it is here...."walking through the rocks... not so rocky actually... i realize the closeness.... being close to the one of the world strangest creation the HUGE SEA and nothing else all around... how tiny i felt.... standing in front of the sea which was touching my feet... the countless crabs coming and going with the waves and walking all over the sand... and on every wave i make my grip stronger so that i may not fall in water..
I am in Port Blair for the last 4 days for the first time in my life flew over the sea and came so far off from my home.... with Seema Misra. Its a different feeling thinking that i am at a place which was nothing except few tiny dots at the globe just to give the complete picture of Indian boundaries... but here the world is and that seems more close to Allah then Delhi or any other place... as the nature is here and its ever where....
Here every story starts with 'before tsunami'/'after tsunami'.... the young group of panchayat member(they call themselves captain) are feeling totally lost in absense of the older people who were not able to run fast and save their lives from the strong roaring water... the young leader are lost but i am sure they would get back to the normal life very soon... as the spirit is high and that's the only thing which brings in rest of the happiness for life.."
I am in Port Blair for the last 4 days for the first time in my life flew over the sea and came so far off from my home.... with Seema Misra. Its a different feeling thinking that i am at a place which was nothing except few tiny dots at the globe just to give the complete picture of Indian boundaries... but here the world is and that seems more close to Allah then Delhi or any other place... as the nature is here and its ever where....
Here every story starts with 'before tsunami'/'after tsunami'.... the young group of panchayat member(they call themselves captain) are feeling totally lost in absense of the older people who were not able to run fast and save their lives from the strong roaring water... the young leader are lost but i am sure they would get back to the normal life very soon... as the spirit is high and that's the only thing which brings in rest of the happiness for life.."
Sunday, March 8, 2009
few beautiful pictures to share....
so crowded but still the connection is there....
We are connected... and enjoy this connection hahahaSaturday, March 7, 2009
my present and others...
It is irrelevent to the present how i would like the things to have been. How things are is the only factor I can deal with. Unless i begin wih my life as it is, I am centered in a fanasy. When i find myself blaming, I can be certain that I have falen into this trap. If I see only how others could have been. I blame others. And if I see how others are, blame is impossible!!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Migrant labour..
i am so much into this migrant labour thing that seems i would die but would not be able to complete what i am trying to write...
Help me Allah!!
Help me Allah!!
love this song for no reasons.....
heard it after a looong time and was lucky to find it written somwhere..... do only songs have the capacity of being so clear when it comes to expression?
"Abhi Na Jao Chhod kar..
K Dil Abhi Bhara Nahi..
Abhi abhi to aayi ho..
bahaar ban k chhaayi ho..
hawa zara mehak to le..
zara behak to le..
ye shaam dhal to le zara..
ye shaam dhal to le zara..
dil sambhal to le zara..
main thodi der jee to loon..
nashe k ghoonth pee to loon..
abhi to kuchh kaha nahi.
to kuchh suna nahi...
Abhi Na Jao Chhodkar...
K dil abhi bhara nahi..
Adhoori aas chhodkar..
Adhoori Pyaas chhodkar..
Jo Roz tum Yoon Jaogi..
To Kis Tarah Nibhaogi..
K Zindagi ki Raah me..
Jawaa.n dilo.n ki chaah me..
Kaii Maqaam aayenge..
Jo Humko aazmaayenge..
Burra na maano baat ka....
Ye pyaar hai..Gila nahi"
"Abhi Na Jao Chhod kar..
K Dil Abhi Bhara Nahi..
Abhi abhi to aayi ho..
bahaar ban k chhaayi ho..
hawa zara mehak to le..
zara behak to le..
ye shaam dhal to le zara..
ye shaam dhal to le zara..
dil sambhal to le zara..
main thodi der jee to loon..
nashe k ghoonth pee to loon..
abhi to kuchh kaha nahi.
to kuchh suna nahi...
Abhi Na Jao Chhodkar...
K dil abhi bhara nahi..
Adhoori aas chhodkar..
Adhoori Pyaas chhodkar..
Jo Roz tum Yoon Jaogi..
To Kis Tarah Nibhaogi..
K Zindagi ki Raah me..
Jawaa.n dilo.n ki chaah me..
Kaii Maqaam aayenge..
Jo Humko aazmaayenge..
Burra na maano baat ka....
Ye pyaar hai..Gila nahi"
Sunday, March 1, 2009
posting form lucknow
today is going to be last day of my trip to lucknow..had a good time with ammi abbuji and nani.. i loved observing Nani.. she is 85 yet with so much of sense of humour and is all alert... have written a small note about her in my diary... would post it sometime...
i liked this trip as these days my life is facing a different angle as well and i hope and pray that it turns out to be beautiful and better for my life.. and i got to think about it a lot...
i pampered myself and loved hearing that i deserve it..
wah.. life is great.....just to remind myself i am here putting some pointers..
- basit bhai engagement.
- my sis conflict
- shair-o-shairi with abbuji..
- lying under sun..
- lying of stone path in garden. making of beds in garden
- kind of duas i got from Nani..
- the emotional emotional meeeting of all sisters and ammi
- my reconnection with Azra... we standing for hours outside shara mall
- our visit to bhoot bangla... we shouted and screamed and i kept on shouting all duplicated... was scary but not that much
- and soooo many smses to my newly found friend......
would get into details of these when i am back to my place.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Happily Happy!!
its a good bond between me and Taha! we share a lot without using many words.. this entire week has shown me few ups and downs.. the family at lucknow... my brother who i silent... this shahana case and I getting into it emotionally... other confusion and clarification... booking of tickets... my conversation with Aapa and she leaving in a bad mood... my conversation with my ammi... two lawyers unnecessarily standing opposite to each other... and i a link and feeling guilty for the mess, understanding the reasons for the mess... but Taha knows and helps me remind that "its just all about momentary trouble and it would fizzle out soon" and I happy. i am happy things are over with a good note... case well .. i am leaving for Lucknow soon... tkt booked all confirmed... fakhra and I had a chat on phone.. i could sleep well... this stomach Ache is not that disturbing... and i am happily back to work and to my smiles and to laughter and that's my normal life...
yes to make your life "LIVE- HAPPILY- EVER-AFTER" going through such weeks once in a while is nothing...
life has many more things to offer and i tend to take few things too seriously and i really don no what makes me do so...
looking forward for family's first engagement... aaaahh!!
yes to make your life "LIVE- HAPPILY- EVER-AFTER" going through such weeks once in a while is nothing...
life has many more things to offer and i tend to take few things too seriously and i really don no what makes me do so...
looking forward for family's first engagement... aaaahh!!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
filters...
Last week I had gone for a small chit chat with abha didi... but when we sit togather it always takes hours to finish... (and that's why i call her my 50 telly ammi..) and same happen that day... the adrak ki chai... with miyaoun (old cat) sitting under our chair.. sun all over us except on ou faces... different alw books spread over....that was a very pleasent day... we discussed thousand of things and discussed what ever we felt... i am shukrguzaar to have her in my life..among thousand of things one of her statement i found very useful for my life and to make my relationships work happily ... she said that when ever we want to say something we should filter and filteration involves these questions
-- What i am going to say is it the truth..
-- Is it necessary to be told..
-- and am I sure that its not going to hurt the other person..
I know all the filters were YES but still I could not say it... and I look-forward for another chance.. for its not matter of just sharing but my life depends.
Ya Allah... I donno how many people read my blog and how many of them know me... but I don't care. As I know that I am equally important bandi of your and I know that you would take care of .. and you would bring the opportunity soon again.. i just missed.
Allahpaak I know you have the plan for my life... and that's all I need to know!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
kuchh na kisii se bolenge
I read this on net.. nice ghazal.. when looking for life and happiness u have to bear all this as well -
Kuchh na kisii se bolenge
Tanhaai main ro lenge
Ham berahabaron kaa kyaa
Saath kisii ke ho lenge
Khud to hue rusavaa lekin
Tere bhed na kholenge
Jiivan zahar bharaa saagar
Kab tak amrit gholenge
Niind to kyaa aayegii 'Faraz'
Maut aaii to so lenge
Tanhaai main ro lenge
Ham berahabaron kaa kyaa
Saath kisii ke ho lenge
Khud to hue rusavaa lekin
Tere bhed na kholenge
Jiivan zahar bharaa saagar
Kab tak amrit gholenge
Niind to kyaa aayegii 'Faraz'
Maut aaii to so lenge
(behrabaroon = pathless travellers)
---Ahmad Faraz
---Ahmad Faraz
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Always smile!!
Yesterday Ajay Mahajan without any kind reference asked me if I am always able to be happy and to be smiling as he has seen me. I remember he asked me this same question last year when we were on a trecking trip to chopta. For sure the question has validity as few others have also asked the same. I smile to keep an emotional and mental balance. But it was not reason y i am happy but it was more of how i am abale to. Actually I do not know. May be it comes naturally to me. Though I remeber few times forcing myself to be happy when I was in really bad or I knew that my bad or tensed mood would worsen the situation which is already worst.
Any way I do not know if it has anything to do with what I saw on that party last week. All forcing a curve on thier faces. With horribly painted face and jwellery loaded all over, and making sure that it is visible when cameras are around. People were talking to each other without listening to them. I felt as if everyting is fake. Happiness can only be natural. We have it or not, we can not, not have and still show.! What is the problem in sharing if we r not happy, is it desire of being aceptable or it is the desire to be happy (attitude of "IF-I-AM-NOT-HAPPY-AT-LEAST-I-CAN-SHOW), what would happen if I share my problem if I cry in front of someone I know not much. What would happen if I keep my problems open. May be the feeling that the person him/her self is so sure deep in heart that its they who are responsible that's y they do not share it.... its absolutely fine to have problems but retaining them irritates me!!
I feel all this when I have others in my mind but at the same time I have few issues with myself that I keep it to it but in my case I know that I myself is responsible, and that soon they would be solved. So no point disturbing my sisters and parents and friends!! Few say that its ghariyat... I do not think so! And I love you all and I dont want to see you tensed listening to me!!
Any way I do not know if it has anything to do with what I saw on that party last week. All forcing a curve on thier faces. With horribly painted face and jwellery loaded all over, and making sure that it is visible when cameras are around. People were talking to each other without listening to them. I felt as if everyting is fake. Happiness can only be natural. We have it or not, we can not, not have and still show.! What is the problem in sharing if we r not happy, is it desire of being aceptable or it is the desire to be happy (attitude of "IF-I-AM-NOT-HAPPY-AT-LEAST-I-CAN-SHOW), what would happen if I share my problem if I cry in front of someone I know not much. What would happen if I keep my problems open. May be the feeling that the person him/her self is so sure deep in heart that its they who are responsible that's y they do not share it.... its absolutely fine to have problems but retaining them irritates me!!
I feel all this when I have others in my mind but at the same time I have few issues with myself that I keep it to it but in my case I know that I myself is responsible, and that soon they would be solved. So no point disturbing my sisters and parents and friends!! Few say that its ghariyat... I do not think so! And I love you all and I dont want to see you tensed listening to me!!
Saturday, February 7, 2009
confused!
quite silent.. but still so much expressed.. confident but confused also... too sentimental still so serious looking... though successful but unhappy.... so strong but vulnerable also.. degrees matter but we all are the same!..
Friday, February 6, 2009
Is this Masculinity?
Men carry the heavy weights. Men are the ones who earn the family bread. Men make the decisions. Men handle the money. Men don't cry. All that represents power and control belong to the man while the woman is the "woman behind the man". Masculinity comes from being proud of being a man. A man in different situations gives a man in that situation a particular attribute. A man who is around when things are being lifted is supposed to lift things and leave the women around to relax. A man is supposed to be street smart. A man always rides geared bikes. A man is physically, emotionally and mentally strong. He shows no weaknesses. If the father is dead, the eldest brother takes over because he has been passed down the role of the man/head of the house.
Men have always been associated with being "macho". To be in control is a mans comfortable position. He's got to show the world that he's the man-that he has got it all under control. Is masculinity all about being macho? Masculinity comes from self-pride (so does feminity).
Being proud of yourself is no sin but when it is driven into one's head that a man is that and this one would naturally want to be so because that is what one has ben told. Men may have the physical marking of being strong but we forget that he has a heart and soul just like the us the other sex (would not say opposit because we are not opposit we are so much alike but just diferent!!).
He too gets hurt. He too gets his sentiments offended. He wants to cry when some his love dies, or sometimes without any reasons at all. He needs a helping hand. Masculinity has been taken to extremes. Sometimes a woman comes along to take that place that he has always been taken by a man and he should just let it be because its allright.
He doesn't have to prove to himself that he is a man of the proportions that he is. He knows how much of a man he is and how much of a man he wants to be. Everybody else may not know but he (each and every individual) does know. What is important is that he uses his masculinity to his advantage and his efficiency. Basically, everybody should just chill out and be as masculine or feminine as they like. The world would be more peaceful and i would love it...!!!
Men have always been associated with being "macho". To be in control is a mans comfortable position. He's got to show the world that he's the man-that he has got it all under control. Is masculinity all about being macho? Masculinity comes from self-pride (so does feminity).
Being proud of yourself is no sin but when it is driven into one's head that a man is that and this one would naturally want to be so because that is what one has ben told. Men may have the physical marking of being strong but we forget that he has a heart and soul just like the us the other sex (would not say opposit because we are not opposit we are so much alike but just diferent!!).
He too gets hurt. He too gets his sentiments offended. He wants to cry when some his love dies, or sometimes without any reasons at all. He needs a helping hand. Masculinity has been taken to extremes. Sometimes a woman comes along to take that place that he has always been taken by a man and he should just let it be because its allright.
He doesn't have to prove to himself that he is a man of the proportions that he is. He knows how much of a man he is and how much of a man he wants to be. Everybody else may not know but he (each and every individual) does know. What is important is that he uses his masculinity to his advantage and his efficiency. Basically, everybody should just chill out and be as masculine or feminine as they like. The world would be more peaceful and i would love it...!!!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Gone With the Wind!
oh that was the FATEST book i have read.. and that too print was too small to read.. but finally i finished it yesterday.. it was quite a good book... its good the way war thing is discussed... the way a women's psycholgy is there.. the desire of people to get money... how ppl get away from their own policies in an attempt to get them... the true love and the relationship developed due to some compromise or settlement... the self respect having and not havng... pririties in life.... but somhow didn't like Scarlette's charachter.. but loved Rutt Butler's that part of personality where he is honest to the core.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
My sister writes.....
Chaotic verse
Another conflict, another encounter
Gain the politics suffer the commoner,
hundreds and thousands have lost their lives
to terrorism they have paid a heavy price,
Browse the channel, you find no discussion panels
trifle news hyped, fake stories typed,
politics a filthy game, politicians running for fame,
page 3 full of facts, rest covers criminal acts,
studnets are thrusted with bountiful knowledge
that restricts only to calculation and coleridge
creativty wisdom, deep down burried
degree and marks just mare greed
In such a word where do i find peace?
Am i the one responsible for these?
Thats what Taha says..... and i echo with her!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
walk in fog.....
thank you frinds... you help me keep my resolution for morning walk ..... its great to walk in fog ...Monday, October 20, 2008
screaming silently!!
today i am feeling totally lost have thought a lot but nothing comes oout except my feeling of screaming Sometimes I SCREAM but silently!!!! Well, I'm not referring to any of the song you migh have heard but just trying to explain what I feel.... I feel like screaming silently. its like few weeks that i am not that busy and have to be at home surfing the net and triyng to write down but it is not happening....I want to scream... but do it silently!
Here, these days in the world there are no 'kya haal hain' but 'Hellos', no 'friends and buddies' but 'colleagues', no 'bakwass' but 'pretentious intellectual talks', no 'hanging out' but 'meetings', no 'vellegiri' just 'sophistication and performance'...no "sunbstantive action but ideal discussion' Te list goes on and on and on..... I want to scream... but do it silently!.
Its not like I'm not liking my life. thereare hundered of things i love i love the freedom of movement LITERALLY i am enjoying, i like thinking what i feel like and not forcing my self to think upon something specific and to come out with a time bound solutions, feel great to call anyone any time,, its great to throw party when people enjoy and ask about the occasion and i enjoy saying no occasion, but even after that... I want to scream... but do it silently!
Friends are getting busy, weekend just fly away, 'more important' stuff comes by. Rukhsaar does not turn up to help in house hold work, we have to do the cooking the cleaning and still have to stay in s dirty...all the time messed up home... the TV is there but nothing interesting turns up... when ever the nice films are there they are already half gone and then the electicty is gone... i hate the pain in my shoulders... I want to scream... but do it silently!
I write and it gets deleted before sending, i take a mental note and it soon disappears, i remeber only thing that there was something to be done! i feel like going for the walk in the morning and its already 9. The moment i think of someone, one of my heartbeat skips.... i lie in the corner of my bed with the pillow over my head and feel a tear rolling down on my cheek.....then i scream but still silently.......ughhhhhhhghghghghhhghghghghghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Here, these days in the world there are no 'kya haal hain' but 'Hellos', no 'friends and buddies' but 'colleagues', no 'bakwass' but 'pretentious intellectual talks', no 'hanging out' but 'meetings', no 'vellegiri' just 'sophistication and performance'...no "sunbstantive action but ideal discussion' Te list goes on and on and on..... I want to scream... but do it silently!.
Its not like I'm not liking my life. thereare hundered of things i love i love the freedom of movement LITERALLY i am enjoying, i like thinking what i feel like and not forcing my self to think upon something specific and to come out with a time bound solutions, feel great to call anyone any time,, its great to throw party when people enjoy and ask about the occasion and i enjoy saying no occasion, but even after that... I want to scream... but do it silently!
Friends are getting busy, weekend just fly away, 'more important' stuff comes by. Rukhsaar does not turn up to help in house hold work, we have to do the cooking the cleaning and still have to stay in s dirty...all the time messed up home... the TV is there but nothing interesting turns up... when ever the nice films are there they are already half gone and then the electicty is gone... i hate the pain in my shoulders... I want to scream... but do it silently!
I write and it gets deleted before sending, i take a mental note and it soon disappears, i remeber only thing that there was something to be done! i feel like going for the walk in the morning and its already 9. The moment i think of someone, one of my heartbeat skips.... i lie in the corner of my bed with the pillow over my head and feel a tear rolling down on my cheek.....then i scream but still silently.......ughhhhhhhghghghghhhghghghghghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
NIGHAT AUNTI
I Once Knew a Women nighat called her aunty....Sweet and Kind and silent listener too.. She was a home Manager nice and Sweet. She was special in her own way. One day she got dead in August 2008, but she had won the battle as she had fought.... I was very sad she had gone, but she had to do what he (GOD) had done ... It was all over the news through phone calls the next day, everyone in my family just wasn't the same way as whole family was very sad. Because she was Dead She devoted her life looking after her family (off course making others happy all the way )and for this she deserves more than a million hugs ...She always understood more than what she reflected . I liked her with all my heart. I knew she was a Gentlewoman from the Start.
i still feel it not real... and wish it wasn't this way...
i pray to Allah to give her all dues as i belive a lot she diserved then what she got in this world.
my prayers for you would go on..
though for sure there are other doing the same!
your silence
i am afraid of your silence b'coz of what it could mean, perhaps it means you are being boared or losing interest or making up our own mind without my guidance. i belive that as long as i keep you talking i can know what you are thinking.....
but silence can mean live and let live; the appreciation that i am i and you are you.. this silence is in affirmation that we are already togather.... as two people. Words can mean that i want to make you into a frind and silence can mean that i accept you already being one!
.........very rightly said by Hugh Prather.......
Thursday, July 31, 2008
where is "I"
there is nothing....
actually and really nothing..
in my hands..
and when say my hands even their grasping power is beyond me
i am what i am made to be..
i am not my body
i am not my "heart" or 'Mind'
i know what i am not
but do not know what i am.
i am happy though that i am what i am but still unaware what i am
What ever happens, is there any role for me..
or even if i am doing it am I actually
or being just made to
how come i am here.
and the other person there
why its so..
why i am doing what i am doing
to what extent i am able to..
even if i am typing all this am i conscious of what my fingers doing or they just automatically running if yes..
then what is playing behind..
what is controlled and and to what extent..
the more i try to be powerful
the more i realize how tiny i am
nothing... actually
what would have happened had i not been what i am ...
and further is it in my control to be, not to be, what i am.
its is so helpless feeling but soothing too
that you are being assisted all the time.
its not that i am in MY CREATORS control.
but it is that i am important enough to be helped and not left alone to do whatever.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
PEACE!!
These days small things stress me so much and i am not even able to share it with others .... though i was never good at this job... but to be honest i am unable to have a sound sleep for last one week i am just pushing myself and dragging myslf... hoe it goes no further... it cant... i never thought life would bring so many issues for me.. i am looking forward for a simple easy and hassel free life... do no need much money or luxury... just need peace and lots of mental stimulation .... where is that please???
may be i need to look for good part of life as well...
Monday, June 2, 2008
kuch aur....
"Ya rab na woh samhje hain na samjhenge meri baat,
de aur dil unko jo na de mujhko zubaan aur"
Galib ke kuch shair kaash.... keh paate jo kuch mere dil mai hai
Ye aandhi kahan se aai,... kahan jaige aur le jaiegi
Har lafz nashtar sa lagta hai,.... Har baat pe ek qatra jalta hai
Yeh khoon kahan se laoon,.... jo aansoon main na badal saken,
Youn to baat kuch bhi nahi,... Sirf ek zindagi ka sawal hai
Yoon hi kitne din kate kuch bhi to hisaab nahi,
kiya kiya kab kab hua kuch bhi to yaad nahi
Ye waqt agar faani hai to yaaden kyoun reh jaati hai,
Inka koi kaam nahi to itna dil kyou dukhati hain.
jo hota zara bhi zor khud pe itna kuch na hone dete
Hum khush rehta, khud ko itna to na rone dete.
Kitna bekas insaan hai........... Yeh kashmakash kyon itni hai,
Ae raat mujh ko samet le.... Kabhi kisi ko pata na chale.
de aur dil unko jo na de mujhko zubaan aur"
Galib ke kuch shair kaash.... keh paate jo kuch mere dil mai hai
Ye aandhi kahan se aai,... kahan jaige aur le jaiegi
Har lafz nashtar sa lagta hai,.... Har baat pe ek qatra jalta hai
Yeh khoon kahan se laoon,.... jo aansoon main na badal saken,
Youn to baat kuch bhi nahi,... Sirf ek zindagi ka sawal hai
Yoon hi kitne din kate kuch bhi to hisaab nahi,
kiya kiya kab kab hua kuch bhi to yaad nahi
Ye waqt agar faani hai to yaaden kyoun reh jaati hai,
Inka koi kaam nahi to itna dil kyou dukhati hain.
jo hota zara bhi zor khud pe itna kuch na hone dete
Hum khush rehta, khud ko itna to na rone dete.
Kitna bekas insaan hai........... Yeh kashmakash kyon itni hai,
Ae raat mujh ko samet le.... Kabhi kisi ko pata na chale.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
blood of Raees
yesterday at around 7:30 rukhsar hurriedly came to inform us that she would be coming late.. she then shared what all happened with her brother and his friend last night. Both of them were on cycle and a truck coming from behind hit them and then suddenly from no where police men appeared and took both of them to Safdar Jung Hospital (till that time she didn't know which hospital) and there after doing all sorts of reporting in various forms and lots of question they asked if raees (Rukhsar brother) was litrate. He is not, on this they sort of ordered that because you are not litrate you have to give two bottels of Blood, and scared by this statement and with financial help from the truck driver raees on pretext of getting medicines for his friend came to his home and kept cring for a while her mother immediately took him back to hospital to sort out the matter fully and finaly. She left home at 2 in noon and wasn't back till 11 in the night, she had a sleepless night a day before as she had no news and whereabouts of his son. was crying all the night......
difficult is life for all but is doubly dificult for poor... had there been a rich guy they would have asked for BLOOD ya allah.. haring this i get goosebumbs! but its reality for them and they think these things keep happening and in fact these things keep happpining with them... law is a far off thing we excpect them to follow but a inherent human consciousness has even disappeared from the souls... the stories i get to hear from SNS and in CASP may be rare stories or just stories for lots of people but when i see that they are going through that reality i find myself so tiny.... but somewhere in my heart I feel that my little effort is soooo much for them ... and they think is too much..... its a job to go and listen to them an direct them what to do next and their life depends on it..
the ladies yesterday rajni and rekha with all the marks on her back of beating and her tears silently rolling down from her eyes without any words.. explained well in what state she is in... hope and pray that my efforts ore of some ... some use to them.....
world is full of such people...
on the other hand there are people like a**** who havenot heard of such things and know only film stories!
difficult is life for all but is doubly dificult for poor... had there been a rich guy they would have asked for BLOOD ya allah.. haring this i get goosebumbs! but its reality for them and they think these things keep happening and in fact these things keep happpining with them... law is a far off thing we excpect them to follow but a inherent human consciousness has even disappeared from the souls... the stories i get to hear from SNS and in CASP may be rare stories or just stories for lots of people but when i see that they are going through that reality i find myself so tiny.... but somewhere in my heart I feel that my little effort is soooo much for them ... and they think is too much..... its a job to go and listen to them an direct them what to do next and their life depends on it..
the ladies yesterday rajni and rekha with all the marks on her back of beating and her tears silently rolling down from her eyes without any words.. explained well in what state she is in... hope and pray that my efforts ore of some ... some use to them.....
world is full of such people...
on the other hand there are people like a**** who havenot heard of such things and know only film stories!
Monday, April 21, 2008
my search....
that day, when i had many things in mind,when every thing seemed to be top on the list,when it looked that life would be useless if i don't do this,and the THIS was this this this & this,I was in dilemma and confusion,both took me over and left me alone,I knew there must be a way out,but wasn't sure what to do and how,then there came someone not so close,who discussed things which seemed trivial and drivel,she spoke and I heard, without registering them,as I was busy in my own thoughts,she left and I was alone as before,for me she never was close,
I realized that my list was so long becoz…
From all I expected love, understanding and attention,
I let go one chance, with her, as she was gone
I realized that my list was so long becoz…
From all I expected love, understanding and attention,
I let go one chance, with her, as she was gone
Sunday, March 9, 2008
being submissive!
Decided to go and meet Pawan Ji, was in Mussoorie for four days.. it was a good trip to sum up except that I was spending more of my valuable time and getting less valuable things.. I totally agree with what he says about submissive and dominant people... In any relationship there can never be a vacuum... if there is, there would not be any relationship.. If I am unable to put my views (reasons may be that I am not clear what I think, I do not know what I think, or I feel that my thoughts are not that important as of the other person), the other person will. And then we start calling that person dominating... And then to hide our lack of clarity say that the other one dominates! Only those who are submissive complaint… the one who is clear what he/she wants in life does that!
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
book fare!!!!
yahoooooo........... i am going to book fare today.. looking forward to lots of new books and nice smell that comes out from them... will post again about what i get from there!!
Friday, February 1, 2008
pleasure of being common
i do strive and strive but it is really tough to be just belive inside and be common but after all it is the truth that we all are commmon .... we consider us special each of us to be special .... in fact none of us is.. we want to be cared... we want to be loved.... we want to be warmly and specially welcomed.... we want to complimented.... we want to treated differently..... why it is hard to understand that we are part of crowd... just a part of the crowd not more then that.... we are what we are... not what other do to us... for others we are just a part of the crowd.... i feel the immense pleaseure in letting others know that they are the one who is special that they are not common like me that they are to be loved cared and welcomed and complimented upon.. becuse they are special for me ... they really are...i like loving others and letting them know that i love them ... may be some day some those who are as common as me would be able to share and understand the pleasure i am having.... realizing the truth that i am a common girl.
and I also remember reading... GOD loves common ppl that's why he made so many of them!!!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
feeling lazy...
today i am feeling so lazy that even do not want to write anyhting....was at home the entire day... you know how it works when you are alone... all thoughts you have been trying to escape stand in front of you.. thankfully i am lucky.. i was able to takle one after other.. gave suficient time to each confusion of mind.. mind and heart.. why both are against each other! may be thats the way we stay balanced!
I thought about important things like relationships... people attitude... world around...and about men also.... and also about petty things like my dry hair!
its so rejuvenating and lot of feeling of content once you know that things are going the way they ought to... and just be sure that you are putting your best and that's all you can do and make sure that you do not end up dong any thing less that what you can!!
I am serious.. i am seriously and deeply happy!
I thought about important things like relationships... people attitude... world around...and about men also.... and also about petty things like my dry hair!
its so rejuvenating and lot of feeling of content once you know that things are going the way they ought to... and just be sure that you are putting your best and that's all you can do and make sure that you do not end up dong any thing less that what you can!!
I am serious.. i am seriously and deeply happy!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
being back in collage
its a great feeling........ i am really looking forward for the year to come.. i would attending calsses again.. would be have time getting influenced... more of listening... more of learning... it make me feel that i am still young.. though its not that I otherwise don't feel it this way... but such things just reinorces my thoughts...
it's a very small thing.. but actually these are the joys of life... isn't it!
i wish my self a good luck for the course! Diploma in child rights.
it's a very small thing.. but actually these are the joys of life... isn't it!
i wish my self a good luck for the course! Diploma in child rights.
That day we had a interesting walk..starting from the basant priya cenema hall…. I was really looking forward to be inside the centrel ridge… so many people turned up……unbelieveable.!
While entering the gate I felt as if going to nature the more we got into the ridge I felt that we were actually intruding into the nature…. We as human being ………… why are we doing it… if the government is doing it from where it is getting the authority !… more important is why they are doing it WHY?? Certainly it is the short term benefits the are getting from it… The army gets the space to do exercise and makes a permanent and pakka structure... who were the people involved... how ..on what basis supreme court alows.. PUBLIC BENEFIT!..
While entering the gate I felt as if going to nature the more we got into the ridge I felt that we were actually intruding into the nature…. We as human being ………… why are we doing it… if the government is doing it from where it is getting the authority !… more important is why they are doing it WHY?? Certainly it is the short term benefits the are getting from it… The army gets the space to do exercise and makes a permanent and pakka structure... who were the people involved... how ..on what basis supreme court alows.. PUBLIC BENEFIT!..
The metro is for us... the parks would be for us... the HCBS would be for us...becoz we can ask for our facilities.... we can DEMAND... nature silently bears with us... we all would be.. in fact are... paying the returns... facing this chill... I think of the rikshaw puller.. the child on the street, constantly cleaning his nose with his sleeves... I can shut every thing..! its not my responsbility!... but the truth is that we all are guilty.... even me! I can do what i can... ! to have my share of peace!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
ajnabi raste....
on november 23 nov 2002
yeh ajnabi raste; jaane le jayenge kahan... manzilen hain jahan ... ya jahan se chalta hai karwaan... khud hi chal pade the .. khud hi nahi jante... in raston ko jo hume hain pehchante itni besabri hai pahunchne ki .. jab ki kuch nahi andaaza.. apne raste ke rukh ka kya karen isliys.. kuch bhi kar lete hainnn
yeh ajnabi raste; jaane le jayenge kahan... manzilen hain jahan ... ya jahan se chalta hai karwaan... khud hi chal pade the .. khud hi nahi jante... in raston ko jo hume hain pehchante itni besabri hai pahunchne ki .. jab ki kuch nahi andaaza.. apne raste ke rukh ka kya karen isliys.. kuch bhi kar lete hainnn
lamhe
wrote this almost two year back when ammi was leaving delhi a fter a short visit to us.!! it was a painful departure generally its not!!
Kuch aur din
Aur kuch aur raten…
Kya hai is lamhe me
Jab ehsas nahi salon ka
To kya hai in lamho me
Phir bhi
Phir Guzar kyon nahi jate
kuch lamhe sirf kuch hi lamho mai
baras to guzarte hai
par yeh lamhe kyon rehate hain saath
hamesha saath
jaise ki har lmahe pe
haawi hon who kuch lamhe
guzar kyon nahi jate
kuch lam,he sirf kuch lamho mai
wohi ehsaas liye sath chalet hai
chupchap pichey wali sawri se
who lamhe kisi bhi lamhe
chilla sakte hai apne wajood ka ehsaas dilano ko
par mere satth to saath hi rahte hai
tajjub se mujhe dekte
jab me badalti hoon zara bhi
phir guzar kyon nahi jate
kuch lamhe sirf kuch hi lamho mai.
Kuch aur din
Aur kuch aur raten…
Kya hai is lamhe me
Jab ehsas nahi salon ka
To kya hai in lamho me
Phir bhi
Phir Guzar kyon nahi jate
kuch lamhe sirf kuch hi lamho mai
baras to guzarte hai
par yeh lamhe kyon rehate hain saath
hamesha saath
jaise ki har lmahe pe
haawi hon who kuch lamhe
guzar kyon nahi jate
kuch lam,he sirf kuch lamho mai
wohi ehsaas liye sath chalet hai
chupchap pichey wali sawri se
who lamhe kisi bhi lamhe
chilla sakte hai apne wajood ka ehsaas dilano ko
par mere satth to saath hi rahte hai
tajjub se mujhe dekte
jab me badalti hoon zara bhi
phir guzar kyon nahi jate
kuch lamhe sirf kuch hi lamho mai.
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